BJ Upton!
The Handy for Next Big Thing goes to...
Yasiel Puig!
The Handy for Most Dynamic Newbie goes to...
Jose Fernandez!
The Handy for Top Breakout Player goes to...
Paul Goldschmidt!
Here to present the award for Handiest pitcher is Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez!
Jen: It sure is. There were plenty of great pitching performances this season and the Handy could have went to any number of fellas. Uh, Luis Atilano, Joel Pineiro, Candy Sierra, ...Molina.
Ben: Ok, Jen. I'm pretty sure you are just listing Puerto Rican players. And Molina? There's three of them and they are catchers.
Jen: Sorry. I just get so flustered when I'm around you. Can't stop thinking about all those nights together long ago. And to think you choose horse-faced Jennifer Garner over me and my sexy Latin ass.
Ben: Mmm, your ass makes me so hard baby. I want to put my Batmobile in rectum.
Jen: Oh you talk so sexy. It makes my taco very spicy. See? Ben, can you smell my spicy taco?
Ben: Oh yeah baby so hot! Let's make out.
Bennifer: The Handy for Handiest Pitcher goes to...
Clayton Kershaw!
And now a special musical performance from Steel Panther!
Ladies and Gentlemen, Patrick Swayze and Chris Farley!
Chris: Excuse me. Ha ha, had a little dry throat there.
Patrick: That's ok, Chris. We are here tonight to present the 2013 Handy for Handiest Swinger. This years winner truly, gosh it's hot in here. Hold on just a sec.
Patrick: There. That's better. As I was saying...
Chris: Woah, now. Now that you mention it, I am sweating profusely.
Patrick: Nice tits. Makes Jennifer Grey look like a little school boy.
Chris: And the Handy goes to....Paul Goldschimdt!
Patrick: HandyJ would like to thank all the manager of the 2013 HandyJ Fantasy League for a great season. We hope to see all of you next season, especially those of you who pay the fifty dollar fee and then don't check your team. Goodnight everybody and stay tuned for an all new "Living Single"
followed by the season premieres of "Walker: Texas Ranger" and
"Ghost Writer"
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