As the 2013 HandyJ All-Star ballot hit the net, many voters were amazed to see a wide selection of players to choose from. The MLB ballot only let's you pick who they deemed worthy enough at the time of printing so there never are any updates relating to injuries, call ups or trades. Voters are allowed one write in vote per league, which many voters stupidly use on retired players like Cal Ripken JR (turd) or simply write in themselves (douches). Let us not forget the insane rule that all the teams must have a representative.
Enter Jason Marquis. A one time All-Star and World Series Champion. Not the flashiest of players. Not even the best. Not even the best looking. But also, not the ugliest. Not the worst. Not the un-flashiest. More or less, just an average player. Yet, when his name was announced for this seasons HandyJ ballot, Jason realized this may be his last chance at semi-greatness.
11:09 am July 1st, 2013
Marquis phones former manager Tony La Russa. "Hey Tony, it's me."
"Lassie?!"
"No, uh, Jason. Jason Marquis. You, uh, 'member me?"
"..."
"2006 champs?"
"Jeff Suppan?"
"Jesus, Tony. No. Ja-son Mar-quis."
"Oh! Oh yeah, the Hebrew kid. *Pause* Gosh, I recall that time you gave up thirteen runs in five innings of relief. You're a regular Vin Mazzaro." Tony coughs. "Excuse me. This lesbian wine is very viscous. Tough to swallow."
"Is it Kosher?"
"You can't have any of my lesbian wine. I need it... to get lesbians to come over. I wanna be manhandled be two butch dikes in flannel with Johnny Unitas haircuts."
Jason sighs. "Tony, Lesbian wine is made by carpet munchers. Sure some muff dunkers may drink Lesbian wine but Tony, Lesbian wine is called that because it is made on the island of Lesbos."
"So it's made by lesbos then."
"...Yeah, I guess so."
"Huh. Ok, bye."
"Wait!"
The reciever goes dead.
"I just wanted to talk about being a 2013 MLB All-Star before I fade into obscurity like Kerry Ligtenburg..."
6:07 pm July 1st
Later that night, tired of his usual Camden Bukkake website, Tony begins trolling the internet for handy j fetish sites. It was about 300 sites in before he clicked on handyjfantasy.blogspot.com/. He loved the idea of handjobs and baseball players. Fortunately for Jason Marquis (and unfortunately for La Russa's sweet gherkin), there aren't any hand jobs on the actual page (at the drafts, who knows) just baseball. And this particular day, there was an All-Star ballot.
Tony, book smart as he may be, thought that by checking the boxes he would actually get to watch hand jobs from many great players such as Matt Carpenter, Allen Craig and Adam Wainwright, who has given him a reach around many rears ago. Years, I mean. Oh the names Tony would click. Votto! Liriano! Frantically looking for Hollywood. Damn. Not on the ballot. Tony then spotted a name he remembered from just a few hours earlier. Shelby Miller.
Oh God, thought Tony. "So hot", he loudly moaned as he put his finger into his anus once. Twice. His fist.
"Wha-! Is that? That says Jason Mar, uh, queers?" He sounded it out. "Oh silly me. Mar-QUIS! Jason Marquis! HA HA. Oh yeah thats hot! Aw yeah."
He clicked and clicked again. Three times to be exact. And then he came.
The Anal. The End, I mean.
No comments:
Post a Comment