Tuesday Thoughts

The Cardinals will present a "Kick Off To Summer" weekend son Friday, May 29th. Be one of the first 25,000 fans and receive a Whitey Herzog Butt Plug.

 Cub fans shouldn't feel left out, however. On July 12th, be one of the first 5,000 kids and get a Clark Cub insulated lunch bag.  Hey, once that Old Style and Vienna Beef wreaks havoc on your bowels, don't leave the action to wait in those long Wrigley restroom lines. Just excavate your colon bears into this bag. Should be fun setting on fire later, too!

Checkout Time In Vegas

Well? Did you enjoy the "Fight of the Century"? I know I enjoyed farting and playing Far Cry 3 during Mayweather-Pacquiao. I was pulling for Manny... but from what I understand, the way it works with any Mayweather beating is that if I don't see the pictures, then it never happened. Well, I haven't seen these pictures, or evidence, showing Mayweather beating, hitting, or punching Pacquiao.

Not sure why guys like Mayweather or Tyson are so damn celebrated. They're worthless pieces of shit and they have shown us that time and time again. Yet, a blind eye is turned to a Mayweather fight or Tyson film/tv cameo or media appearance.

In any other sport besides the NFL, Mayweather would be a falling star about to burn out. By MLB standards, the hatred for Mayweather and Tyson would be the equivalent to Barry Bonds and A-Rod. However, the MLB actually has talented athletes that they can rotate in and out as the "Face of Baseball". Boxing has none. At least, not to the casual fan.

Speaking of baseball, what the hell is up with Devin Mesoraco? Why not put him on the DL? I guess it's no surprise that no one outside of the Reds locker room knows. Why hasn't anyone asked Reds manager Bryan Price about it? I do wonder.

The NFL draft was this past week and who cares, right? I've found myself watching football less and less over the last couple years. I think this is largely because the NFL never goes away. It never takes a break. It's a year long cycle staring in the summer with voluntary workouts, then camp, then preseason, season, then playoffs, then superbowl, then free agent signings, then schedule release, then draft coverage, then draft, then camp... God damn just take a break.

It's Kris Bryant Day (and everybody's celebratin')

Hey, don't blame the Cubs for the wait. Blame the players union and the CBA. Thank science, no more Mike Olt.

What are the DBags DBacks doing with Yasmani Thomas?

So let's mention this Jon Lester pick-off attempt shit. Seems like this kinda thing happens with the Cubs. They get a big free agent or manager and that person starts to wilt under the pressure. Some of it's put on by the media, some by the fans and some by the player. The dude hasn't attempted a pick-off in years and that has had ZERO effect on him becoming one of the best pitchers in baseball. So, why start now? Just pitch and not worry about it. And fuck ESPN for showing their cute little graphic on Opening Night.

Hey America, wake up. ESPN is dogshit. Has been for over a decade now. Leave it for NY and Boston and LA. And Duke and USC and UNC. And Derek Jeter and David Ortiz and A-Rod. And Tom Brady and Peyton Manning and Tim Tebow. And the NBA and Golf and "The Decision". Not to mention all the dumbshits that work for the "Mothership"... from play-by-play to hosts to analysts to sportswriters, they've all become caricatures of themselves. They say stupid and fuck up shit based on, well, mostly nothing. Their whole line-up of programming is geared toward themselves, hollywood-NBA-Bieber culture, and bros. Are you one of those things? Is that why you're sitting through 45 minutes of slick styled bro talk about Kobe, LeBron and [insert latest athlete sexual assault scandal] just in hopes that you may catch an NHL highlight? or MMA? or maybe that Braves/Brewers final out highlight?

Let's face it, ESPN was barely worthwhile even when the NBA was good. You know, like mid 90's. They had highlights! Playoff Hockey! Strongman! Jordan-Olajuwon-Ewing-Shaq-Malone-Amaechi-Barkley! And none of the bro shows. Fuck PTI. Fuck ATH. Fuck Baseball Tonight. Fuck ESPN.

Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go watch the Cubbies beat the Whale's Vagina Fathers.

Happy Kris Bryant Day!

It's Friday (and everybody's celebratin')

The Cubs have to move Wellington Castillo's ass. Doesn't do any good to sit Montero this much. Dumb. We all knew they were gonna have a hard time moving Castillo because he isn't all that great offensively and can't frame pitches for shit.

Just looking at each team's roster at catcher, here's where Wellington Castillo's services can be used:

Baltimore, Boston, Minnesota, Oakland, Seattle, Tampa Bay, Texas, Arizona, Colorado, Miami, Philly, Pittsburgh, St. Louis.

Speaking of STL, Ed Easly could make his MLB debut this weekend if he sees some action. The cards placed Tony Perez on paternity leave. So, what if Molina spends significant time on the DL this season? Trade for Castillo.

Verlander's triceps injury just shows he isn't giving his teammates enough western style handjobs these days.

Roy Helu signed with the Raiders. They plan on using him in a specialized role. Same shit, different team. See kids, if you just settle, you can play for the Redskins and the the Raiders! Inspiring. Wonder which hat he will wear on his HOF plaque...


Here's your HandyJ Weekend Jam.

Wrigley Shit Show

Having been to Wrigley, I feel like the port-a-potties are an instant improvement over the old restrooms. Now I can pee and stretch in private. And I can shit right next to a food stand. But in all honesty, if you're going to a game with the sole desire to get shitfaced on $8 Old Styles, then fuck you. You deserve to wait in line and piss your pants. This whole Wrigley renovation plan (or lack there of) just proves how much this organization has half-ass everything since, I don't know, 1908?

Mark Cuban says the NCAA B-Ball is unwatchable. I agree. It's almost as shitty and boring as the NBA. Remember the good ol' days with Jordan, Stockton, Olajuwon, Mourning, Ewing... I don't understand why there isn't a "senior" circuit for these guys.

That is all for now.

Hunks Clubhouse: Post Draft Review

Here is the video put together by the Hunks in celebration of the draft. Music and clips owned by ACDC, WWE and MLB. Not me. I would like to say thank you to the 2-3 people at the draft who watched. Thank you for not being rude. I hope you enjoyed it. But maybe more on that later. On to the draft..

The 2015 HandyJ draft is in the books and boy howdy, was it every epic. Austin and Cole have joined the fray and quickly asserted themselves as teams to look out for in 2017. Of course, we all know the best way to contend for the title is in the name. Here's to you two coming up with better team names. Possibly a few readings from Dean's Marquis de Sade book will aid you guys in your journey. So, let me share my favorite reading from that fabled text, and I'm not sure what it was exactly, but here it is: A man finds a woman with flabby tits and uses them to wipe his ass. There, now be inspired.

However, not everyone was inspired. Blood Eagles managed to draft three outfielders that are injured, with the possibility of ALL THREE starting the season on the DL. If there's one thing I'm sure of, Dean will retain his lovable loser moniker for 2015. The NaziJews fired shots early on by keeping Giancarlo Stanton and Madison Bumgarner while drafting Carlos Gomez. But now they look more like blanks when roster-ed alongside rapscallions such as Mark Reynolds, Zack Cosart, Jarrod Saltalamacchia. What now sounds like a broken record, The Cleveland Steamers weren't happy with their draft day workings. But if you ask me, they look perfectly average. No worries! Camden loves bukkake will be relying heavily on bounce back seasons and career years for players like Pedro Alvarez, Brandon Belt and Jay Bruce. But, if it works out, while paired with one of the better pitching staffs in the league, we just may see a bukkake celebration this proctober. Sure it may sound corny or nutty, but Bukkake could bring forth winds of change.

And now on to the reigning, defending, and undisputed back-to-back Champions, Hunks Clubhouse. Their offense is ready to roll and their pitching is mediocre at first glance, but possibly serviceable. This Hunkamaniac wonders just how in the hell the Hunks were able to pair that offense together. Only time will tell if the Hunks title reign of 2 years will come crashing down.

Now on to the festivities. What a great video provided by the Hunks manager. And also a special thanks to those helped with food. It is very appreciated. (I still have about 20 hot dogs if anyone is interested. They are multicolored now). The Hunks would like to give an extended thanks to those who participate in the contests and read the blog. I know some of you don't give a hoot and sit there at the draft all serious and plastic faced hoping your investment pays off, I wish you'd loosen up a bit. And then some, it just seems like they pay the fee just to hang out; check your team every now and then. It takes two minutes. Just don't jerk off that day and set a line-up a couple days in advance. Easy!

The season starts Sunday, and for some, it will be over just as quick. Prove me wrong, HandyJ-ers or watch me wreak destruction upon the league and lay waste to those who challenge me.