like I want you to...
The Hunk emerges from the the smoke filled stage entrance. Underachiever puckers his butt hole while pacing nervously in the ring. Mars(good ol' JR) and Becker(The King) provide commentary at ringside.
Becker:
Ahha, Mars, It's the Hunks! What's he doing out here?
Mars:
Well I don't know dammit but I sure don't have a good feeling about this.
He doesn't even belong in this thread!
The music fades as the Hunk slowly moves the mic to his bearded mug. The Hunk pauses as the crowd continues to go wild.
Mars:
We haven't heard from the two-time HandyJ champion in a couple weeks. The Underachiever wants to wipe that smug look off The Hunk's face.
Becker, with mouthful of stadium dog:
He's gonna beat it off, Marsy.
Mars:
You damn right he wants to beat it off. Followed by the Underachiever's finisher, the Happy Ending.
Hunk, while slowly walking to the ring:
Just in case, eh, you forgot just who the hell I am, I am the Hunk. I am the reigning, defending, two-time HandyJ champion of the world, eh. Underachiever, eh, you come out here crying about Alshon Jeffery ruining your fantasy day, eh? Like this capacity crowd--
Underachiever cuts off The Hunk:
What would you know of even winning a H2H match-up, grease goblin? You can't even make it out of the first round without taking it up your Hunk hole.
Mars:
Well, not always a bad thing. *makes weird noise*
Becker:
I hear ya Mars. One time in this porno I got--
Hunk, pulls leather jacket apart to show 2 HandyJ titles around waist:
I may not know much about winning H2H tourneys, eh, but I sure as hell know how to win a championship, eh. While you've been fretting over starting Boobie Dixon or Trent Richardson, eh, I've been in deep penetration, er, preparation for the 2015 HandyJ draft, eh. I mean--
The Hunk is cut off by S. Rakin's entrance music.
Tradition Croatian music plays:
Bing bong bing-bong-bing, dl-dl-ding-ding *click* *click* *click-click*, Bing bong bing-bong-bing, dl-dl-ding-ding *click* *click* *click-click*
Mars:
Business is about to pick-up.
Becker:
I saw Rakin in the bathroom during week six. The the seat fell down and hit me in the head.
Mars:
Christ, Becker, you animal.
Rakin, with Croatian accent:
Well, well, well... How do it feel being at bottom looking up at my Croatian assholes? Even with Gay Cutlers at de quarterback slot, I own you like sex slaves, yes?
Crowd chants:
You Suck! You Suck!
Becker:
This crowds gonna make the future champ angry, Marsy.
Mars:
They're speaking their minds, dammit. This is America, Beck. Rakin should know better.
Becker:
Ahha, he's gonna get deported!
Underachiever:
Look here, boy. You got two options. Leave right now as the Caved-In-Chest-Motherfucker or stay and become the dead Caved-In-Chest-Motherfucker!
Rakin:
I swear on de soul of Pavelic, I will have your cock on a stick!
Rakin charges the ring. Underachiever prepares for battle. The Hunk pulls brass knuckles from the crotch of his ever too tight trunks. They circle each other in the ring.
Marsy:
Lotta respect between these three men. They gotta feel each other out.
Becker:
One wrong move may result in a Happy Ending or a Zlatini Rat!
The three men's concentration is broken when Union of Confusion's music plays!
Music plays:
Everywhere the sun is shining. All around the world it's shining.
But cold winds blow across your mind.
Confusion--it's such a terrible shame!
Mars:
Where are they?
Music keeps playing:
Confusion--you don't know what you're saying.
You've lost your love and you just can't carry on!
You feel there's no one there for you to lean on
Becker:
There!
Music keeps playing as the members of U of C crawl out from under the ring. Backs turned to the action, The Hunk, Underachiever, and Rakin face the entrance, anticipating the arrival of the U of C.
Becker:
They've got rebar, Marsy. Oooh look out, Hunk!
Ertz gives a load to the back of The Hunk's head. While Bob lays out The Underachiever with a steel chair. Union of Confusion leader M. Scoregasm circles Rakin.
M. Scoregasm:
I've waited a long time for this, Rakin. But that title is mine! I made all the right moves, and this is my grand finale!
Ertz low blows Rakin from behind. Rakin hunkers over in pain.
Mars:
Well of all the no good things to do to a human being...
Becker:
He'll be tasting that for a week!
M. Scoregasm grabs the bent over Rakin from behind and the crowd whips into a frenzy! Bob slides a steel chair under Rakin.
Becker:
Uh oh, Marsy. He's gonna Trade Rape him!
Marsy:
This is just the nastiest thing. You no good dog, Scoregasm! Have a heart! He's a human for God's sakes!
Scoregasm Trade Rapes Rakin onto a steel chair. U of C climb out of the ring as their music hits!
Music plays:
Everywhere the sun is shining. All around the world it's shining.
But cold winds blow across your mind.
Confusion--it's such a terrible shame!
Confusion--you don't know what you're saying.
You've lost your love and you just can't carry on!
You feel there's no one there for you to lean on.
Mars:
This is just awful, Becker. Can we get some Medics down here? They're broken in half. We need some damn Medics here?
Becker:
They're dead, Marsy:
Mars:
Folks, we'll see you next week...
Can we get some medical attention down here, dammit?
Fade to black as Becker mumbles gibberish.
